record of my existence

JULY 2ND 2024

i really want to die,i love someone who doesn't love me back and it is all my fault for being a terrible person. i don't want to live in this mess i made of my life anymore. my friends would be broken if i died, that is the only thing keeping me going at this point but i just wish i was still in the comforts of my own bed with the person i love. i was so ungrateful, i had it all and i wanted freedom but there is no such thing in this world. the closest i got to heaven was with him. he is still kind to me. we have "ran our course" and i was the one who made this choice and now i am the one who regrets it. he deserves someone better than me and kinder than me. i wish i could go back in time and savour our years together. i will never love like that again. i wish we were together again. i wish i didn't spoil everything by being an awful human being.

come back someday, somewhere .

JULY 3ND 2024

i want to die but i wonder what will become of my remains, i wish i could decompose the way i want, naturally in some sort of forest or woodland area. i think i'll get buried but i wonder where? i wonder where my wake will be? i wonder if he will care or even cry. i don't want him to suffer but i wish he cared for me still like i do but i am a worthless human being who has made awful choices that have led me to where i am now, i should've been more grateful when i had the chance. if you've found this and you're a friend or family or the one person i wish was by my side then i want to say i am sorry and this was never your fault, my times with each of you showed me the beauty this world has to offer.
this one is for you, if you know who you are. i want to say that whoever you end up with i hope it is a happy and beautiful relationship, i will love you forever and please know that my decision was not meant to bring harm to you, i appreciate everything you have ever done for me, i still don't know why you are so generous to me, you have the softest, sweetest heart i have ever seen, yes you made mistakes but you are too kind and i can't actually put into words how pure you are and any bad things you have done aren't reflections of who you really are, you are a real life angel and whoever gets to be is your life in lucky and i hope they do not make the same mistakes i did. you were right when you told me that noone would love me like you could and i wish i had been more grateful for what i had. i am sorry. i love you forever.
for any other people in my life reading this i appreciate every one of you, i am the only reason for this outcome.

JULY 8TH 2024

i am super unhappy and want to to disappear, i also want to say that i don't actually have a plan or i'm not going to end my life soon or anything, i have alot of exciting things in store for me, my writings are only for the IF not the when so don't freak out. but yeah i am bored and i want to join the eternal silence and be with friends instead of here. there is more to life than any of us know. i am tired physically and mentally, i love you all and somehow hate alot of the world and the people. i will keep this updated but for now i am too exhausted to type any more but all i can say is i'm fed up with this existence.

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